October 2017 Mindful Musings on PTSD

Warning: This is a long post with no pictures.

It's so weird to think that this time last year, I was just barely getting my ability to walk again. I had to believe I was unstoppable and made of steel to keep pushing through the physical pains I dealt with. Interestingly enough, a little over a year later, I'm just now dealing with the emotional and mental trauma.

I told a friend recently that I would take that physical pain a hundred times again to avoid the emotional trauma. Anxieties and stresses from the accident have been rearing their ugly heads. Not only am I having recurring dreams about seeing my mangled car, but I find myself suddenly super cautious while driving, subconsciously gripping the wheel much too tight. I'm paranoid driving through green traffic lights for some reason, easing into the intersection with trepidation. I can't handle stress like I used to. The weight of emotions bare down on me as if I've never been through any hardship before. I break down and cry over inconsequential things, when I used to be so indifferent to everything, usually letting things just roll off my back with a shoulder shrug and a "Meh." I was sure I was headed for the loony bin.

After talking to a professional, and doing some research myself, I've come to understand that I'm going through a mild form of Delayed Onset PTSD. Google told me this: "From a theoretical point of view, these are likely to be individuals who have managed to contain their individual distress by adaptive means, but subsequent stresses and/or the natural progression of neurobiology have led to the manifestation of the symptoms." The brain is so fascinating.

Apparently this is very normal. When someone has dealt with a physically traumatic event, their brain focuses completely on healing. All their faculties and energies go into putting them back together. For me, that "put-back-together" reality came about mid-August. Then, all of a sudden, my brain was like, "Oh cool, you're pretty much back to normal. Now we can unleash all of these emotions and mental trauma we've been suppressing for the last year!" Awesome.

Needless to say, it's been a bit of a roller coaster. But I've been introduced to Mindfulness training. And am now a self-proclaimed Mormon Buddhist...a Mormuddisht. Haha.

In all honesty though, mindfulness has saved me. I've been able to Keep Calm and Carry On, as they say. Being calm is highly underrated. Deep breathing and keeping yourself living in the present are incredibly powerful tools to keep your mind in check, and keep your soul smiling.

The song for this entry was one that I remember listening to when I did my first 10 minute run in May of this year. It still pumps me up when I run now.

This Too Shall Pass by OK Go