November1-15 2017 And in Everything, Give Thanks

I'll make up for the last no-picture post with this one. Lots of pictures.

I recently saw the movie "Stronger", about the the Boston Marathon bombings, based on a man whose legs were blown off by the terrorist bombs. The movie was intense, and inspirational, and emotional, and hit all together a little too close to home for me. This man's experience was on a totally different level of hard than my experience was (I at least still had my legs, and knew I would eventually walk again). I could relate, however, to the anger toward those that caused this, the physical pains, the emotional aching, the tears and wanting to give up in physical therapy, the frustrations from being completely dependent on others, as well as the complete humility and gratitude that filled me from being completely dependent on others.
I could empathize with this man--on a level different from his own suffering, but still on a level that most others cannot comprehend. It made me think a lot about what comes next.

November has so far been a contemplative month. And with Thanksgiving around the corner, of course my gratitude soars. Having to focus on keeping my mental health in check has been an interesting eye opener, but has also made me want to keep pushing to live the best life I can--and not just in experiencing life, but in helping others appreciate it as well.
I spent my birthday, November 10th, in CA with my 15 year old niece, Katie. I want to give my nieces and nephews opportunities to experience the beauty and awesomeness this world has to offer. Katie and I stayed in Cayucos, CA, and spent my birthday surfing and hanging out in that super quaint surf town. The next day we toured Hearst Castle, then drove up to Santa Cruz and spent the rest of our weekend there. We had a blast, eating way too much junk, and laughing at silly things. Despite the constant back and neck pain I deal with after doing anything physical, I've realized how important it is to spend time with those I love, and to keep a smile on my face. A simple smile releases so much goodness to your mind. A hearty laugh can do even more.

Surfing in Cayucos

Hearst Castle

Katie at Hearst Castle

Katie went home Sunday afternoon, and I finished it off by flying to Mesa, AZ for Neil's birthday. AZ is beautiful this time of year. Neil took me quail hunting the next morning before I started work, shot two quail, and cooked them up for lunch. That little bird is pretty delish.

Neil all camouflaged in the desert

AZ desert sunrise

Quail season!

Hard times are inevitable in this life. But suffering, I think, is a choice. I'm laying in my bed typing this, my back aching all over. Focusing on the pain will only make the pain more acute. So instead, I focus on the good weekend I had, on the people that love me, and on the smile on my face right now. A few deep breaths bring my focus to the present, and I'm grateful to be alive. Life is beautiful, and you only have one, so appreciate it while you've got it.

Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

October 2017 Mindful Musings on PTSD

Warning: This is a long post with no pictures.

It's so weird to think that this time last year, I was just barely getting my ability to walk again. I had to believe I was unstoppable and made of steel to keep pushing through the physical pains I dealt with. Interestingly enough, a little over a year later, I'm just now dealing with the emotional and mental trauma.

I told a friend recently that I would take that physical pain a hundred times again to avoid the emotional trauma. Anxieties and stresses from the accident have been rearing their ugly heads. Not only am I having recurring dreams about seeing my mangled car, but I find myself suddenly super cautious while driving, subconsciously gripping the wheel much too tight. I'm paranoid driving through green traffic lights for some reason, easing into the intersection with trepidation. I can't handle stress like I used to. The weight of emotions bare down on me as if I've never been through any hardship before. I break down and cry over inconsequential things, when I used to be so indifferent to everything, usually letting things just roll off my back with a shoulder shrug and a "Meh." I was sure I was headed for the loony bin.

After talking to a professional, and doing some research myself, I've come to understand that I'm going through a mild form of Delayed Onset PTSD. Google told me this: "From a theoretical point of view, these are likely to be individuals who have managed to contain their individual distress by adaptive means, but subsequent stresses and/or the natural progression of neurobiology have led to the manifestation of the symptoms." The brain is so fascinating.

Apparently this is very normal. When someone has dealt with a physically traumatic event, their brain focuses completely on healing. All their faculties and energies go into putting them back together. For me, that "put-back-together" reality came about mid-August. Then, all of a sudden, my brain was like, "Oh cool, you're pretty much back to normal. Now we can unleash all of these emotions and mental trauma we've been suppressing for the last year!" Awesome.

Needless to say, it's been a bit of a roller coaster. But I've been introduced to Mindfulness training. And am now a self-proclaimed Mormon Buddhist...a Mormuddisht. Haha.

In all honesty though, mindfulness has saved me. I've been able to Keep Calm and Carry On, as they say. Being calm is highly underrated. Deep breathing and keeping yourself living in the present are incredibly powerful tools to keep your mind in check, and keep your soul smiling.

The song for this entry was one that I remember listening to when I did my first 10 minute run in May of this year. It still pumps me up when I run now.

This Too Shall Pass by OK Go