October 30 2016 Words of Wisdom

The song for this week (link below) has been in my head for the past few days. I figured I'd just go with it and make it work for this blog.

Anyone here a fan of Gilmore Girls? There's an episode where the hotel's French concierge says he has ennui (on-wee). Weird word, but hit the nail on the head with my mood this week. Listless, unmotivated, bored, blue, lazy....I had come down with a serious case of ennui.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_N_2bGzvwc

I've had some friends send me motivating quotes the past few weeks, and have found several myself. It's amazing what a few good words can do to lift you up when you're struggling with something. Seems that people know just the right time to send you just what you need. So I thought I'd share a few here for anyone else dealing with a case of ennui.

 

                                                   

                   








And here's this week's song:
Let It Be by The Beatles

October 23 2016 Working Toward That Hall of Fame

I had a lot of pain this week for some reason. Might have been because I'm upping my game in the physical therapy department. Or might be because Nalu is back home. Either way, I spent some quality time with ice packs and my recliner this week.

In other news, I walked around my block for the first time on Wednesday...and held back tears the whole time. I do have some rough days--physically as well as emotionally. Wednesday was a hard hitter for both physical and emotional roughness.Unnecessary roughness, I daresay. I was proud of myself for getting around the whole block, but so frustrated at how hard it was.

So, in order to keep myself motivated, I've somehow ended up signing up for two 5Ks. Two! Of course, I'll most likely be walking them both, but come hell or high water I will be there for both.

And. Well. I'd like you to be there too. The race coordinators have been kind enough to sponsor me in these races, seeing my story as one that could inspire others. But in return, I've told them I would spread the word.
So here's me spreading the word...

Santa Run December 3

Looks like a Santa version of Where's Waldo

I'm doing the Provo one. Don't think I'll be ready for the ones in November.
This one looks pretty fun. You do the run in a Santa Suit. And honestly, I'll welcome any extra layers.

Beat the New Year, December 31

In Salt Lake City. I'm super excited for this one. A New Year's Eve run. New Year's Eve is usually fairly anticlimactic, but this year I'll be ringing in the New Year by successfully crossing a finish line with a body full of healing bones. Cool? Yes.

Come do one or both with me, and make sure I don't pass out. :) J/K (but kinda serious). I need all the support I can get!

And to finish this off, here's my song of the week:
Hall of Fame by The Script

October 16 2016 Alive

It's funny to think how so many things have changed in my life the past two months. Life just continues to move on, regardless of any one person's situation. I rode the bus to the store the other day and felt like I was on a roller coaster...far too painful right now, but I tried. See, for the first time since high school, I don't own a car. And couldn't drive it even if I did. So I improvise. Amazon and I have a special bond now.
People have said they admire my strength and optimism. To me though, what good would it do to be anything else?

I have essentially cheated death here. Seems that it's all I can do to be grateful for a chance to make myself better than before. 

Ironically, out of something so bad, I've been given the precious opportunity to see the good in this world--the kind hearts, the concerned voices, the serving hands. And I feel closer to my family than ever before. 

I mean, who can say they've had their dad brush their hair for them after the age of 6? I can.

I believe in angels--those we can see, and those we can't. 

I've also found that certain songs are taking on new meaning for me now. I think I'm gonna start a soundtrack to my life from here on out. 

Song #1, dedicated to the bank robbers (along with a middle finger emoji):
Alive by Sia

October 10 2016 Gunny and Meds

One perk of having a neck brace is that you get to meet a lot of interesting people. Everyone wants to hear the story behind it, and most everyone has a story of their own to share. It's nice to commiserate with others that have had accidents of one form or another.
We met a man a couple weeks back whose wife had been in a car wreck in her early years. He had a passion for guns, and conversation flowed easily with my dad, also a gun fanatic. We nicknamed him "Gunny". He showed us a few of his favorites, and of course we had a photo shoot.

Bank robbers beware. 

This morning was a particularly intense session of outpatient therapy. I woke up feeling like I could conquer the world. My spirits were high, and energy was higher. I was plowing through my exercises, feeling strong. That is, until the last set of exercises. I started to feel light headed, but kept pushing through. I felt the blood drain from my face, and my knees started to buckle. 

The PT assistant helped me to a chair. All that talk about seeing stars suddenly made sense. Everything was sparkly, and sounds were dulled--except for the ringing in my ears. 

I stayed down until I regained my strength, then left with a wet towel on my head and a bag of ice on my shoulder. 

I took my meds when I got home. They can make me a bit loopy sometimes. 

Here's a taste of what happens when you mix meds with Snapchat: 

October 9 2016 My Boy Nalu

Got a pretty cool gift from the local police department. They made me a hat with the K-9 unit symbol on the front, and my dog's name on the back.

My dog, Nalu, was in the car with me when the accident happened. He wasn't hurt, amazingly, but was pretty shaken up. One of the policeman first on the scene found Nalu standing on my crushed dashboard, looking down on my helpless body. The policeman told me later that he approached Nalu cautiously, thinking he'd be growling. Instead, he found him protective, yet in a way welcoming his help. The policeman took Nalu and made sure he was safe, knowing he'd most likely end up at the pound. I will be forever grateful for that. 

I didn't see Nalu for a month after the accident. My sister picked him up a few days after the accident and has been taking care of him ever since. Also forever grateful to her. She brought Nalu down for a few days over Memorial Day weekend. It was a bittersweet reunion. The excitement of seeing each other filled the room, but it was sad to see him go. 

My sweet boy Nalu

My sister left this with me though. Was nice to have the photos and memories of my dog and my friends and family on one board up in my house. 

October 9 2016 To All the Homies

Sundays make me all grateful and stuff.
Here's a quick shout-out to everyone that has helped me, visited me, stayed with me, made me meals, and just made this experience so much easier.

Neil watching a video with me

My favorite little ginger

Family visiting

My sister taking me on a physical therapy walk

Family visiting

This was the first time I put makeup on

HB friend

High School friend

College roomie

City police that helped me 

She painted my toes so cute!

October 7 2016 Seven Dwarfs

Due to the flashback, and the fact that I have a mild panic attack every time I hear screeching tires, my primary doctor advised me to go talk to a psychologist about PTSD. Yesterday was my first meeting with him.

He was amazed at how stable and happy I was, even going as far as saying that if he had more clients like me, he'd be out of a job. That was encouraging. At least I'm on the right path. 

But he did open my eyes to a lot. It was a crash course in Psych 101. 

After yesterday, I'm looking back on the past two months and realizing how many emotions I've gone through...I've played the part of all seven dwarfs from Snow White. 

Happy and Sleepy play the major roles, glad to say. But we've had a significant stage presence from Dopey (medications), Grumpy (obvious reasons), Bashful (for all those sweet CNAs that saw me in the buff to help me shower, and helped me in the bathroom in other ways that I don't want to mention), Sneezy (ugh, Sneezy, the worst), and to a lesser extent, Doc (learning to clean my own wounds, wrap my sprained ankle, and tape my broken toe, as well as getting the hang of changing out the neck brace properly).

I have a brain scan today at 9am. An EEG. I woke up at 2am, and have to be awake until my appointment. Sleepy is in the spotlight today. Wish me luck.

On the bright side, these past 6 hours of waiting has allowed me to finally do this blog. 

Cheers!

Right before the EEG

October 1 2016 Silver Lining

A few months ago I was at the downtown farmer's market, and came across this booth called SheJumps. Based out of Salt Lake City, this is a non-profit organization dedicated to getting women more active and outside, teaching workshops on a whole range of activities, for a whole range of ages. I thought it sounded awesome, so I signed up for their newsletter, added my name to the volunteer list, and bought a t-shirt.

After the accident, I posted a profile on their website with a snippet of my story.
On September 21st they contacted me wanting to feature me and my story on their website. Sounded cool, so I sent in photos and a more detailed version of the accident, with future goals.
On October 1st, the feature was posted. I got an email from them saying thank you and wanting to follow my progress. And they sent me a cute hat with their logo (a girafficorn).
Check out their website and my profile!

http://www.shejumps.org/jumpers/becki-church/

Shirt and hat with the SheJumps logo, the Girraficorn!

September 26-30 2016 Bad Days

September also brought migraines from pushing myself too hard, adverse reactions to drugs without food, MRIs, and bad news about my neck.

September 28th proved to be the most depressing day thus far. These neck braces are the worst. Yes, they're necessary if I want to recover, but they're hot, constricting, and uncomfortable. I'm over it. I had a follow-up appointment with my spine doctor (aptly named Dr. Spina--again, my life is a Seinfeld episode) on the 28th. Took more X-rays and was told that the vertebrae had shifted slightly. The fragments that my C5 had broken into proved to be even more concerning with this slippage. I was told I'd have to be in the cervical collar for another month and a half, and then slowly ween it off.
To top off that news, he then told me if it hadn't improved within a month, we'd most likely need to do surgery.
I left the office in a less than energetic mood. When we got home, I told my dad I was turning my phone off and taking a nap. I cried myself to sleep, then woke up and told my dad I was gonna need some Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream. And he complied, 'cause he just loves me. :)

Ben & Jerry to the rescue. Everything was bearable after that.

September 1-24 2016 History Lessons

September brought new doctors, more appointments, outpatient therapy, and a resolve to get myself back to my active self, and better.
I began my own water physical therapy around the third week of September, and haven't looked back. It has been so calming and helpful.

I had my first big outing with dad on Saturday, September 24. We took a drive about 45 minutes north to Ogden, to visit the Union Station museums. I'm a museum nerd, so was super excited. There was a street market going on across from the museum in Old Town Ogden on 25th St, so we ventured in. We ended up in the cutest little boutique and got to talking to the owner.
The train station was a major hub of travelers, so all the amenities applied. Apparently the boutique used to be a speakeasy. We saw a square marked out in the floor, which she informed us was once a door to the wine cellar. Many of the shops on 25th street had them, and several of them were connected. They were used for distilleries, for smuggling during prohibition, and hideouts for mobsters. The seedy underbelly of Ogden.
And I bought a pretty dress. Retail therapy works almost as well as physical therapy.

August 25-31 2016 Throwback Thursday

My sister had been here for a few days at this point, a CNA herself. I woke one night having severe stomach pains, and needed her help. I sat up and looked over at her sleeping in the separate bed, and was about to call her name...but I couldn't remember it. I had forgotten my own sister's name! So I called out the first name I could think of--which happened to be my roommate's name. My sister giggled, and corrected me calmly. Clearly it was a side effect of the concussion, but was still alarming, to say the least.

On August 25th I had my first flashback. After laying down in bed for the night, and letting my mind settle down, I recalled part of the accident--the audio version, in surround sound. I suddenly remembered the sound of my car door being sawed off. The crunching of metal, and voices--not panicked voices, but urgent and stern voices. And the feeling of helplessness. My eyes were closed, but I knew I couldn't move.

My eyes popped open and stared into the dark of my room. I had to take deep breaths to calm the anxiety. It was frightening. I was then very grateful that I had couldn't remember most of the incident.

My sister took me out for the first time the next day, to get my mind off of it. Of course, we went to Target.

August 19-24 2016 Come Out Fighting

My brain was pretty alert by the time I went home. The physical therapists at St. Joseph's Villa had trained me well. I was now shuffling with a cane, and able to slowly roll on one side and pull myself up from bed with the help of the bed rail. Which meant I could shuffle to the bathroom on my own! And finally have the privacy that a bathroom was meant for (insert sigh of relief).
I was also finally wearing normal clothes--well, normal in comparison to a hospital gown. I lived in loose pajama pants and button down shirts, not yet able to pull a shirt over my head or pull up anything more fitted than sweatpants.

The PTs helped me find the right items to purchase, so I could create a make-shift rehab environment within my own home. For the next couple weeks, I kept notes daily in a spiral-bound calendar. Most of the entries were along the lines of these:
Emotionally and mentally drained from visitors. Love seeing them, but so hard to keep focus without my brain getting tired.
Nausea and headache with added pain today.
Sudden sharp pain in lower back. Dizzy and headachey.
Constipated. Worst night. All day uncomfortable.
Dizzy and tired. Woke up stiff and achey.

Pretty dismal, right? Surprisingly though, no one would have known how miserable it really was unless they were staying with me. I kept a fairly positive attitude. In a situation like this, you have to. Hope for a future that will be better, and finding good out of a bad situation. It was easier said than done, but it was done. I am a fighter by nature, and this wasn't going to pull me down.

Getting outside in my pjs...and my cute cane my brother decorated for me.

My makeshift hospital bed--bed rail, foam wedge. I'm holding a little mechanism I had to suck breath in several times a day to strengthen my punctured lung. 

August 18-19 2016 Going Home

I should pause here to mention, with all of this suffering I was enduring, my spirits were raised. The flowers, care packages, candies, cards--it was incredibly touching. The love and support I felt from family and friends was overwhelming. I can't begin to thank everyone that reached out with concern and came to visit with me.

That's a good segue into my next phase. Tears. Often. Some from pain, some from joy and simple emotional sensitivity given the situation. It was about August 18th that my cracked sternum really began to take its place on the winner's stand. Coughing, laughing, hiccuping, deep breathing...all dreaded activities with a cracked sternum. And sneezing! Oh sneezing, which once was a welcomed relief, was now my worst enemy. And crying was out of the question, I found out fairly quickly. Having been emotionally overwhelmed by how good my employer was to me during this hardship, I broke down in tears, soon thereafter having to pull myself together due to the pain it caused in my sternum.
I was released from the rehab center to go home on August 19th. I had home healthcare scheduled, and both of my parents now staying with me as caregivers (my parents are incredible people).

Here's me with little Goldie, my niece

Here is a video my brother put together for me, starting on the day of the accident, and showing how loopy I was in the hospital:

Becki's Miracle

Brings tears to my eyes!

August 9-16 2016 Be Thou Humble

On August 9th, I was discharged from the hospital to St. Joseph's Villa--a rehab center in Salt Lake City. Still in a bit of a mental fog, my dad still with me, I remember having a cheery disposition. Drugs will do that to you, I guess--but this is about the time when it really started to sink in. I was in a horrific car accident. I was lucky to be alive. I was lucky not to be paralyzed. In fact, I was quite the miracle survivor. But I was also in for the long haul when it came to recovery.

I had to do several verbal tests to check my memory and brain function. Math problems, word association questions, memorization. My wits were about me, for the most part. Though it took a good two weeks before I stopped repeating myself and forgetting things.

On August 10th I was sent back to the hospital for more X-rays. This is when I first realized how very fragile I was. Sitting up straight caused pain within 10 minutes. Though I was in a wheelchair, sitting up waiting for my appointment slowly but surely slid me into intense back pain and muscle spasms. Tears flowed, cold sweats and nausea ensued, and I blacked out twice. My poor dad was beside himself. I can't imagine the panic and anger he must have felt.

When we finally got back to the rehab center, I slept. Nothing else sounded so sweet as sleep...except maybe Percocet.

The next two weeks spent in the rehab center were the most challenging, physically. Nights were long and sleep was irregular due to pain. Bathroom breaks were no better here, with me having to ring a CNA in the middle of the night almost every night I was there for assistance.

I started to appreciate the most insignificant things. Bendy straws were my new best friend. Saltine crackers became a bedside necessity. Finally wearing a bra and underwear was a breath of normalcy. And fresh pineapple was a delicacy.

I started physical therapy soon after I arrived, which proved to be quite the experience. Success was measured in taking a few more steps with my crutch than the day before, or finally being able to step up the practice stairs. Walking two yards down the hall felt like I'd just ran 5 miles, even with the assistance of the physical therapist and crutch.

Everything was exhausting. Showering was a lengthy process due to all the assistance I needed. Brushing my teeth was painful while using my right arm, and frustrating with a neck brace, as was eating. I was fragile. And had lost a bit of my dignity. I was completely dependent on other people for the most minimal tasks of everyday life.

Humiliating, yet incredibly humbling.

First day in the rehab center

Starting to walk again

August 6-8 2016 Twilight Zone

I've always said that my life is like a Seinfeld episode. If anything ridiculous could happen in this life, it would happen to me--things you think would only happen on screen. Scripted, if you will.
If I had to get in a major car wreck, of course it would be with bank robbers, not just a kid texting or something. That would be far too boring.

After the accident, I spent the next 3 days in the hospital...and in a mental fog. The concussion made me confused, repetitive, and forgetful. Several friends stopped in during those few days in the hospital. I remember them being there, but couldn't recall for you what we'd talked about. I was just entering the Twilight Zone. Everything was a blur. I know my dad was there by the time I was awake the next day. And my bestie, Neil. They stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital.
I was on a lot of medication, but was very aware of my pain. I dreaded having to use the bathroom. Simply sitting up was a task I needed help with. Going to the relieve myself was on a whole new level of embarrassing. Granted, I was beyond caring about my bum flashing for all to see behind my open hospital gown, but my bowels had been through hell and back, were bloated, bruised and torn. Medications caused constipation, so laxatives were necessary. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Needless to say, let alone the pain it caused to get there, going to the bathroom was quite an unpleasant experience.

Standing up grimace

My legs the third day

Neil showing me a funny video

Zombie foot (or sprained ankle)

Bruises galore